Destructive Communication Techniques
and
What to Do About Them
Have you ever criticized or complained about your partner's personality or negative traits? Have you ever felt and acted in a defensive manner towards your partner? During difficult times have you withdrawn emotionally from your partner and not listened and responded to your partner? Or have you communicated with contempt about or when talking to your partner? If so keep reading so you can learn a few new techniques to improve the way you communicate within your relationship.
When we use ineffective strategies when communicating, our relationships may become quite rocky, break down and possibly end. Continual effort to understand our partner and awareness of our own behaviour when communicating can have a significantly large positive impact on our relationship, generate stronger bonds, improve emotional closeness and develop healthier patterns of relating.
Our focus when communicating with our partner should be to IMPROVE our relationship and not to HARM our relationship. When we act in a destructive manner such as Criticizing, Defensiveness, Contempt or Emotionally Withdraw we are harming our relationship. Research indicates if we are in a relationship where there is more than one negative communication to five positive communications the relationship is in the process of becoming less close, becomes less happy and may eventually break down.
So, let’s have a closer look at what we can do to help solve these unhelpful patterns of relating.
Criticism
When someone criticizes another for any of their attributes, the person experiencing the criticism may become defensive in an attempt to protect themselves from further criticisms. A better technique to use instead of criticism is to discuss how you are feeling, the topic of your complaint and what your needs are in that situation. Always talk about your own feelings and needs and not those of your partner. For example, instead of saying, ‘You are lazy I have been at work all day and you have not helped me with the housework.’ You might like to say instead, ‘I am feeling upset that the house is messy when I come home from a long day at work. Would you please help me finish the housework so that we can both sit down and enjoy watching television after dinner together?’
Defensiveness
Defensiveness may occur when a person is not taking responsibility for their own tasks, thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. Instead the person becomes defensive, protects themselves and deflects the responsibility onto another person. For example, when one person has agreed to pick up milk on the way home from an outing, arrives home without the milk and denies the responsibility of the commitment to bring milk home they are using defensiveness as a communication technique. In cases where an individual takes responsibility, even a part of the responsibility for a situation, reduction of the defensive attitude and or behaviours will result, which creates an increase in harmony within the relationship between your partner and yourself.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when a person withdraws from another person withdrawing their emotions, physically turns away from their partner and or leaving the conversation altogether. The person who is emotionally and or physically withdrawing from their partner does not present the nonverbal body language indicating active listening, which results in communication with no give and take. When there is no reciprocation in a relationship the relationship may becomes problematic. One person may be effectively communicating with the other but unless their partner is able to communicate in an emotionally connecting and expressive manner the communication breaks down. When a person withdraws from another they do not withdraw to be smart, stubborn, or shy. People withdraw from one another due to high levels of physical arousal. The person needs to self-soothe before they are able to emotionally connect with their partner again. There are many types of ways a person can self-soothe some of these include progressive muscle relaxation, long slow deep breathing, meditating, going for a walk and watching a sunrise or sunset.
Contempt
Out of the four negative communication strategies contempt has the highest prediction of divorce. Calling your partner names, having and or expressing feelings of bitterness, and not respecting or appreciating your partner for the qualities they have decrease the quality of your relationship. The best way to decrease and eradicate contempt in your relationship is to express and describe your feelings, your needs and what you would like to see happen instead. For example, ‘You are a fool.’ can be better expressed and described as, ‘I feel embarrassed when I attend work functions on my own. I would really like you to come to the next work function with me so that I feel like I belong and feel more comfortable with my work colleagues.’
The next time you are having a conversation with your partner and the conversation turns negative due to criticisms, defensiveness, contempt or stonewalling replace these negative communication patterns with more appropriate positive communication strategies. In this way your relationship has the opportunity to improve and prevents relationship breakdowns.
NEVER STOP IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.
YOU AND YOUR PARTNER DESERVE IT!!!
Take care and have a wonderful day,
Louise
xoxo